Monday, May 9, 2011
so difficult
This is going to be a selfish post. I hate these feelings that I am having. A couple of months ago I started to find out lots of my friends and family were pregnant. Now those people are starting to find out what they are having and I can't help but feel envious, jealous that it isn't me. I know that God has a plan for everyone, and there is a reason why I have not been blessed with baby #2 but I still can't help but wonder if I am ever going to be able to have another child. This may sound ultra dramatic but I cry myself to sleep many nights because I hate not knowing. Bailey is such a huge bright spot in my life and I want to experience that again. I also want Bailey to experience being a big sister. She would be AMAZING at it! We have been trying for almost 18 months now and still nothing. Everyone says "don't stress" or "it will happen when it is meant to" or "I know what you are going thru" so I try not to talk about it. Comments like that make me upset, and hurt. I know I shouldn't stress and I know that it will happen in God's time. I just hope that God will bless us with another child soon.
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Oh Eryn, I so know what you are going through. Scott and I have been trying for well over 2 years now. We even did several months of fertility treatments and absolutely nothing happened. It is very disheartening to see that negative test month after month. I also find myself feeling very envious and jealous, as so many people around me are pregnant. I feel terribly guilty on a daily basis for feeling that way too. Jasmine is everything I ever could have dreamed of, why isn't having her enough? I just feel like I have this empty void to fill. I want her to experience being a sister too. I think back about my brother and I and don't want her to miss out on that special relationship. I hope that another child is in our future, but I'm beginning to make peace with the thought that Jasmine very well may be our only child, at least I was blessed enough to have her beautiful face to wake up to every morning. Keep your chin up, I will be thinking of you and Brian.
ReplyDeleteEryn,
ReplyDeleteYou have ALWAYS been there for me when I go through my mess of friends, boyfriends, life in general, and I can truly say I know what you go through, but I also know you dont wanna hear it. I remember feeling that same way, I also remember feeling like I was less of a woman because my job as the "mommy" to have kids, and what not for the "family" was not being fullfilled by the only person who could do it, and let me say, it sucks. Im sorry your going through this, fertility issues are no fun. But I do know one thing, you have A LOT of great friends here pulling for you, and who also agree that its all a part of GODS plan for your life.
I heard in chrch this last week that God puts us through trials for a reason, not to hurt us, but to strengthen us, I could say that maybe this time for the 3 of you is essential, maybe because God has many many babies in your family plan, and this is your time to spoil, and love on Bailey, who knows, but if having more kids isnt in HIS plan for you, would it be all that bad? You have a loving, supportive husband a happy, healthy, and beautiful daughter who has PLENTY of friends, and love... to me, your already oh so blessed. I love ya girl..
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ReplyDeleteBelieve me I know what you are going through... It took us 3 yrs to finally get pregnant with Chloe.. I wanted more then anyhing to be able to give Bailey and sibling and I also felt like I was letting my husband down and was less of a women for not being able to get pregnant.. We went through over a year of testing, fertility meds, with each month going by not the month I would be pregnant and I know the feeling, the hurt, the anger, the sadness you feel each month when its not that month.
ReplyDeleteI would think about why do all the people that shouldnt be having kids are so easy able to get pregnant and how unfair it was to someone like me that wanted that for my family, to make it feel complete.
But, in the end when we were told that IVF was our only opition and knowing we couldnt afford that and knowing that was probably the end of trying I started getting into the mind set that my family was complete and that I need to love and enjoy what I had been offered and move on.. So, yes it was a hard time still but each day thinking that got better until 6 months later when I found out I was pregnant.. I couldnt believe it.. Why after months, years did it happen?? Nothing changed except the fact that I wasnt stressing and crying about it everyday.. So I think at least in my case that was the reason cause nothing else had changed except the fact I was not stressing over it..
I have heard it all from.. God has a plan, It will happen when the time is right, etc.. and yes being around and seeing others being pregnant was so tough, but I put on that happy face for them.
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